Ohkay, so my intention of holding out till Tuesday lasted till this morning, where I POASed this morning and got a line that was looked almost the same as yesterday (15 DPO) and the day before (14 DPO). I then sat blindly staring into space for like half an hour, caught somewhere between hope, fear and bleakness. To say that this limbo is messing me up is putting it mildly. I then emailed my awesome Endo and asked him to put in a blood test for beta and progesterone tomorrow. I have to say, this blows. I can deal with a clear failure in my own way, or good news (no trouble at all :)), but this in-between stuff is what truly kills me. I bitched about my previous pregnancies, about having no indication that something bad was coming, but I have to say, the alternative is far worse.
You know that adage? Don't ask a question if you can't deal with the answer? well, I don't deal well with uncertain answers, but apparently, nor can I leave well enough alone. A non-doubling would probably reduce me to a mess for a few hours (with my cousin coming in sometime tomorrow). I feel horrible at the possible at the prospect of hitting her with this mess, but I think with somebody around, I would manage to be decent company after. I hope. We usually have a blast together, and I hope we will manage one despite the circumstances, even if they are very negative.
I'm naturally a creature of impulse,with little discipline or patience. It amazes me that I have achieved as much as I have in life with this combination of undesirable traits, but, to counterbalance it, I have a pretty strong will. With work, I've forced my dreamy and unfocussed nature away and dragged in the discipline it takes to achieve stuff, but the TTC process plays hell with my work habits. I've still been getting stuff done in the past 2 weeks, but its been a struggle. Its far, far worse when I'm afraid, as I am now. I'm being unfair to my job when I TTC, because I've definitely not giving it the attention it deserves.
Whatever happens here, I either have a viable pregnancy or not, I'm going to stop working for the next phase. If this pregnancy is non-viable, I'll go back to India, stay unemployed for atleast a few months during which I'll try my hand at IVF. If it IS viable, I'll still go back to India, chill and have all the time in the world to bite my nails and figure out what my next step is professionally. I'm glad that I have this option, and I'm really, really looking forward to not working.
My RE's office just called and offered me the choice of crinone or a (generic?) vaginal progesterone suppository. Which is better? Do either raise your blood progesterone levels?
You know that adage? Don't ask a question if you can't deal with the answer? well, I don't deal well with uncertain answers, but apparently, nor can I leave well enough alone. A non-doubling would probably reduce me to a mess for a few hours (with my cousin coming in sometime tomorrow). I feel horrible at the possible at the prospect of hitting her with this mess, but I think with somebody around, I would manage to be decent company after. I hope. We usually have a blast together, and I hope we will manage one despite the circumstances, even if they are very negative.
I'm naturally a creature of impulse,with little discipline or patience. It amazes me that I have achieved as much as I have in life with this combination of undesirable traits, but, to counterbalance it, I have a pretty strong will. With work, I've forced my dreamy and unfocussed nature away and dragged in the discipline it takes to achieve stuff, but the TTC process plays hell with my work habits. I've still been getting stuff done in the past 2 weeks, but its been a struggle. Its far, far worse when I'm afraid, as I am now. I'm being unfair to my job when I TTC, because I've definitely not giving it the attention it deserves.
Whatever happens here, I either have a viable pregnancy or not, I'm going to stop working for the next phase. If this pregnancy is non-viable, I'll go back to India, stay unemployed for atleast a few months during which I'll try my hand at IVF. If it IS viable, I'll still go back to India, chill and have all the time in the world to bite my nails and figure out what my next step is professionally. I'm glad that I have this option, and I'm really, really looking forward to not working.
My RE's office just called and offered me the choice of crinone or a (generic?) vaginal progesterone suppository. Which is better? Do either raise your blood progesterone levels?
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