A Discussion Forum (Healing Salon) on the Topic of PAIL.

There are a mind-boggling number of blogs dealing with the topics of adoption, loss and infertility. I think the credit for the evolution of this mini-universe should largely go to one blogger, Mel, who blogs at Stirrup Queens. In organizing this virtual universe, she has created multiple 'rooms' and any blog formed can be listed  under various categories, including infertility, adoption and parenting.  A while ago, Elpheba at Yolk : A blog about Eggs and Sperm created the PAIL blogroll, the purpose of which was to allow people in the situation of parenting or pregnancy to find each others in a similar situation.  This, surprisingly (to me) kicked off a heated and sometimes ugly dialogue on various issues, which took place at the Stirrup Queens blog. After the dust settled, Mel proposed that to move forward, a rational and civil discussion of various questions be bought up by bloggers in different situations.  I volunteered because there are many points I feel strongly about. 

To introduce myself- I am a single woman, in the process of trying to conceive  my first child using donor sperm.  My journey has been complicated by 2 late first trimester miscarriages. When I first read about PAIL, it barely made an impression on me, my only thought in passing was,  Well, that is a good idea.  I thought this because I'm all for people in a certain situation to find people in the same boat, to garner readership and support.   When the PAIL debate broke out, on reading it, the following questions seem the most relevant to me. While I express strong opinions below,  I hope I have stayed respectful, civilized and rational while outlining the following points and I urge you to do the same while responding.

One of the points bought up in the debate was that a similar area already existed on the SQ website, so why create the new one?   My question: While I can see why Mel could be put out by the duplication,  what is wrong with multiple blogrolls?

My take: Mel has taken a lot of time and effort in organizing the situation room, so I understand why she would be taken aback at another website offering the same thing. But from a comparison of the parenting room on Mel's website vs the PAIL blogroll, my impression is that the latter is much better organized, because it is newer, more up to date and has multiple categories. But this is a small issue. It can settled by civilized discussion between the two parties, with no need for all the multiple tangents people went off on. At the end of the day, my bottom line is to be able to connect with more people, and 2 blogrolls at 2 different websites  achieves that more efficiently than 1. 

There is this general fear that something you say, may offend/hurt others because of the situation they find themselves in.  The general sentiment that people will offend others and lose readers and followers once they start taking about positive pregnancy tests/baby bumps/ parenting appears widespread.  This (correct me if I am wrong, members of PAIL), was perceived as one of the many reasons behind the formation of PAIL. My question is, do you think you should have to censor yourself, in any situation, to spare the feelings of others?

My take: There should be no censoring. There should be no hiding of your joy in any situation or hesitancy to discuss anything, though tact is always a good idea. In life, there is always going to be somebody with something you don't have. I'm single. If I flinched or got unhappy every time I saw a married couple, or saw wedding/honeymoon facebook photos, or saw blogposts where partners support each other though infertility/loss, it would be a horrible situation.  Married folks, you have something I'd really like to have. But I do not expect you to stop talking about your happy marriages or the support you get from your partners in the rough times. The same rules should apply to infertility, should they not?

While the fact that PAIL was an 'exclusive club' was bought up as a bone of contention by many. This sentiment seems illogical to me, because PAIL is merely a blogroll. People going through TTC cannot join the parenting blogroll on Mel's website, so why the furor when that a similarly-themed blogroll is merely created at another web address? Its just another web address, to my thinking. They are not doing it to get away from the world of IF, they just want to expand their readership.  My other question on the same theme is more philosophical and not really related to the central issue at hand, but its begs to be asked-- why get hurt/angry about an 'exclusive club'?

My take on the latter:  I don't fit in many places, the categories are myriad- rich people's clubs, couples-only clubs, parenting clubs and PAIL-- there are so many cliques in life I am barred from, but the fact that they exist do not hurt me. My two cents is, you are really hurt at the fact that you are excluded from that club, but the members of the club are not the guilty party.  They did not form the club with the sole intention of keeping you out, they formed it because they needed something/wanted to celebrate something and both reasons are perfectly legitimate.

Why is there the miss-assumption that the members of PAIL are going to stop participating in the world of infertility?

My take: People can exist on multiple blogrolls. They can be listed in discussion boards, websites, there are a 1000 ways to advertize. A blogroll is merely a way to connect with others in your situation. Just because somebody's blog is listed on PAIL does not mean they are going to  forget about/stop supporting people in the infertility process- I'm  trying to understand why people might think that and also point out that is a wrong assumption.

Summary: I've raised questions on the topics that have perplexed me and  I hope some clarity emerges from discussing them.  At the end of the day, both PAIL and the various ALI blogrolls are here to stay, and I cannot see why the same blogs should not be listed on both websites, with the writers supporting people in both TTC and parenting situations. While one cannot make everybody happy and will read a fraction of blogs out there, it should not be forgotten that we are a community with common goals and intentions. Whether we blog for comments, for support, for the cathartic act of spelling out what is bothering you, all are legitimate reasons and should be respected. This is a storm in a teacup, a mountain created out of the smallest molehill- we need to move on speedily from this, hopefully, somewhat the wiser.