This is the first one I've participated in, and I'm excited! My story can be pretty much summed up here and by taking a quick glance at my timeline, on the sidebar.
I never thought I'd be a blogger and I got into the blogging world to escape- I had all these thoughts and feelings about pregnancy and loss and this overwhelming, all-encompassing desire to be a parent (that nobody in my real life could even remotely get) and this blog was a much-needed outlet. Now though, its kind of transformed, I'm not here because of necessity so much anymore, I'm here because I'm a wee bit addicted. This sucks you in, I tell you. I've met many wonderful and extraordinarily brave people here, its been a wonderful experience so far, and I'm happy I've gotten so sucked in. Thank you for stopping by!
8w1d u/s
on Sunday, November 21, 2010
With my last pregnancy, the last ultrasound where I saw my baby alive was at was at 7w4d, and the baby was 4 days behind and judging by the growth between ultrasounds, was growing at just around 0.7 mm per day (1 mm per day is normal). So, by the same milestones, I can finally say that this pregnancy is looking better than the last, with this one growing at about 1.1 mm/day, judging by the difference between the 2 ultrasounds.
I'm now starting to believe that this *might* actually be. My due date is July 1st, almost a year (to the day), after my D&C. Somebody who has been dealt as painful a blow as a pregnancy loss will be forever wary of fate pulling another unbelievably nasty trick, but that wariness aside, I'm hopeful and optimistic now.
I am also feeling a bit like Goldilocks, I'm either metaphorically too hot or cold, never just right. I complained I had no cramping right? Well tonight, I'm cramping so hard its scaring me a little. This baby-building business is joyful, but boy, do you EVER get to relax?
Wanting to feel crappy
on Thursday, November 18, 2010
Until the start of this week, Turbulence was a very, very good girl. She made me upchuck the entire bag of greasy popcorn I had consumed at the movies on Sunday. She made me cramp on and off too. I was miserable, but ecstatic to have such proof that she is doing well. Who cares if you look horrible and green outside when you are beaming mentally within?
Past three days, there has not been so much going on. There is the occasional mild wave of nausea (so mild I convince myself that its *really* there). Not much heartburn. Very little to no cramping. And of course, I'm miserable. I alternate between feelings of optimism and doom so violently I'm giving myself whiplash.
My ultrasound is tomorrow, and it won't be a moment too soon.
And of course, my brain being the hyperactive thing that it is, I'm running through my mental lists. What is the possibility of a second miscarriage at this point?
Very, very low. Thyroid ( a possible issue in the last pregnancy), has been dealt with. I don't seem to have other antibody-related autoimmune issues. As far as overactive T and NK cells (linked to the thyroid issue by certain studies) go, who knows, but those are usually an issue with implantation, and as we all know, I have absolutely no worries in that area.
About the thrombophilias, it seems highly unlikely. I had read a paper a while ago which looked at Indian women with recurrent m/cs. The authors examined the possible causes and found thrombophilias did not crop up. Also, there is my vast, unbelievably fecund family. Everybody reproduces without trying. My family does NOT have pregnancy losses, atleast, not that I know of. What they have, is lots and lots of babies. They are the disgustingly fertile lot everybody wants to desperately be, myself included.
.
And finally, there is genetics. Although chromosomes were normal, my overactive imagination has conjured up scenarios where there is a highly unusual single gene incompatibility between me and my donor, in such a case, 25 % of all of our kids would be at risk. Yes, knowing too much is an UTTER curse, combine with this a tendency towards neurosis and you've got yourself a nail-biting monster on your hands. I wish I was like my mom, she is calm, thinks positive, and nothing ever rattles her. She is the calm center in any crisis. Wish those genes had not passed me by! Hopefully they will skip a generation and show up in Turbulence.
My one loss was an unusual and mostly inexplicable one so I've got some reason to be nervous .But then, the possibility of a second loss is statistically very low and a lot of bases have been examined and covered. This much fear is unreasonable. I'm just utterly glad I'm having frequent ultrasounds, and right now I just wish I would upchuck and cramp so I could get through the days in between comfortably.
Past three days, there has not been so much going on. There is the occasional mild wave of nausea (so mild I convince myself that its *really* there). Not much heartburn. Very little to no cramping. And of course, I'm miserable. I alternate between feelings of optimism and doom so violently I'm giving myself whiplash.
My ultrasound is tomorrow, and it won't be a moment too soon.
And of course, my brain being the hyperactive thing that it is, I'm running through my mental lists. What is the possibility of a second miscarriage at this point?
Very, very low. Thyroid ( a possible issue in the last pregnancy), has been dealt with. I don't seem to have other antibody-related autoimmune issues. As far as overactive T and NK cells (linked to the thyroid issue by certain studies) go, who knows, but those are usually an issue with implantation, and as we all know, I have absolutely no worries in that area.
About the thrombophilias, it seems highly unlikely. I had read a paper a while ago which looked at Indian women with recurrent m/cs. The authors examined the possible causes and found thrombophilias did not crop up. Also, there is my vast, unbelievably fecund family. Everybody reproduces without trying. My family does NOT have pregnancy losses, atleast, not that I know of. What they have, is lots and lots of babies. They are the disgustingly fertile lot everybody wants to desperately be, myself included.
.
And finally, there is genetics. Although chromosomes were normal, my overactive imagination has conjured up scenarios where there is a highly unusual single gene incompatibility between me and my donor, in such a case, 25 % of all of our kids would be at risk. Yes, knowing too much is an UTTER curse, combine with this a tendency towards neurosis and you've got yourself a nail-biting monster on your hands. I wish I was like my mom, she is calm, thinks positive, and nothing ever rattles her. She is the calm center in any crisis. Wish those genes had not passed me by! Hopefully they will skip a generation and show up in Turbulence.
My one loss was an unusual and mostly inexplicable one so I've got some reason to be nervous .But then, the possibility of a second loss is statistically very low and a lot of bases have been examined and covered. This much fear is unreasonable. I'm just utterly glad I'm having frequent ultrasounds, and right now I just wish I would upchuck and cramp so I could get through the days in between comfortably.
The thyroid sagas
on Saturday, November 13, 2010
This post is mostly reads like a cross between a science lesson and science fiction. Most of you will be bored senseless, but for any of you with thyroid issues, this might be a little informative. Anyway, its cathartic to just put it all out here, so here goes. If you attempt to follow this and your head hits your keyboard as you fall asleep reading, I apologize!
Your body temperatures are controlled by hormones. Estrogen is a hormone that pushes your basal body temperatures down, while progesterone elevates it. These are not the only players, the other big ones are the thyroid hormones. This is scientific fact, known hopefully by everybody who graduates from med school (yeah, I'm still in my annoyed with docs funk. RE is spared though, he is the one person who actually attempted to LISTEN to me).
During my first pregnancy, the thing that struck me was that I was so cold, so often. 2 days after I got my positive pregnancy tests, my temperatures nosedived by a DEGREE. For somebody whose BBTs run like a precision clock, this was huge. My progesterone, the hormone you would think was responsible for this, was utterly normal. My temperatures stayed low my entire first pregnancy, and so many times I'd be cold to my bones. I told my doctors this. They shrugged, said 'temperatures are utterly erratic in pregnancy, don't you worry your little head about it'. Did ANY of them stop to think, oh gee, thyroid hormone requirements go up in pregnancy, maybe this girl's temperatures nosedived because her body needed more hormone because her body was cooking a baby and this gobbles up thyroid hormone (scientific fact). No. Temperatures are an irrelevant, its not in the handbook, so why bother even throwing it in the mix?
According to the tests, I was 'euthyroid' in my last pregnancy. Which meant my thyroid hormones were in 'normal' range. But its now known that for women with anti-thyroid antibodies, simply being 'euthyroid' is not enough. If your baby is not getting enough thyroid hormone, things can go catastrophically wrong. Your TSH, the hormone measured to determine thyroid sufficiency, needs to be low in pregnancy. Mine was not (it was probably over the limit now considered the upper end of ideal for pregnancy). So, in retrospect, its logical that I was so cold the last pregnancy. This is utter TMI, but I had the worst case of holding it in as well, if you know what I mean. Like we are talking, 2-3 days. That is also a thyroid insufficiency symptom, thankfully one not at all present in this current pregnancy. Coincidence or the hormone I'm taking?
This time, since I've been on daily thyroid hormone supplements, I've been warm. Hot even. It's blissful. For the first time in years, I actually have warm feet! My BBTs have stayed up, my waking temps are usually 98.2, and during the day, its stays in the 99s. I know this because I randomly check temperatures multiple times a day. But even this has started to falter recently (I start feeling cold, check temps and find they have fallen by a DEGREE again). This is because (my theory) that with advancing pregnancy, my requirements are starting to rise. Its supply and demand really. If demand overcomes supply, then my body reflects it by dropping the body temps. I told my perinatologist about the falling temps. He was like, body temperatures, who cares about that? They mean nothing, don't worry your little amateur head about it. I literally wanted to hit him at that point, all of these guys are so by the book, they are like horses wearing blinders.
I think I have fixed the problem myself though. 2 things can be given to improve thyroid function. The first of course, is thyroid hormone. The second, is selenium. This is required for converting the less active thyroid hormone (which is what we get as the supplement synthyroid) into the super-active version (called T3). When I first started taking synthroid, I think it was just about how much I needed, or maybe a little more. At this point, I wisely stayed away from selenium in case it made me thyrotoxic. But as this pregnancy has progressed, I think my thyroid requirements have started to increase, and I think my body needs more of the very active form., T3. I have oodles of T4 (because I'm supplementing with that and my blood levels are sky high), but it may not be what is really needed, and there is probably a cap on the conversion rate of T4 to T3. So I've started selenium once a day. I first started it on the day I started freezing and my non-waking temperatures were around 98.4. Several hours later, my temps were back up to the 99s, and they have stayed that way. Today, they fell again (the freezing is an instant clue). Its really scary I tell you, because danger signal or not, I associate it with things going wrong. I took my selenium. I've been waiting and the temps are going back up, and I'm feeling hot again. Coincidence or not? Who knows.
I'm frustrated because I have to navigate this scary world by myself, and try to fix all of this amateur style. If I tell a doctor this (first they have to sit down to actually listen to you for 5 minutes and that may be too much to ask), they'll just shrug it away. If they don;t have a textbook answer for you, they will not even speculate and will just wave you away. And I really, really dislike that. Our body tells us a lot of things, and NOTHING is ever random. If something changes with your physiology, there is a reason for it. Sure the body is complex enough that you might never be able to know the mechanism behind it, but sometimes you can make an educated guess. Who knows, you might even be close to the mark!
Your body temperatures are controlled by hormones. Estrogen is a hormone that pushes your basal body temperatures down, while progesterone elevates it. These are not the only players, the other big ones are the thyroid hormones. This is scientific fact, known hopefully by everybody who graduates from med school (yeah, I'm still in my annoyed with docs funk. RE is spared though, he is the one person who actually attempted to LISTEN to me).
During my first pregnancy, the thing that struck me was that I was so cold, so often. 2 days after I got my positive pregnancy tests, my temperatures nosedived by a DEGREE. For somebody whose BBTs run like a precision clock, this was huge. My progesterone, the hormone you would think was responsible for this, was utterly normal. My temperatures stayed low my entire first pregnancy, and so many times I'd be cold to my bones. I told my doctors this. They shrugged, said 'temperatures are utterly erratic in pregnancy, don't you worry your little head about it'. Did ANY of them stop to think, oh gee, thyroid hormone requirements go up in pregnancy, maybe this girl's temperatures nosedived because her body needed more hormone because her body was cooking a baby and this gobbles up thyroid hormone (scientific fact). No. Temperatures are an irrelevant, its not in the handbook, so why bother even throwing it in the mix?
According to the tests, I was 'euthyroid' in my last pregnancy. Which meant my thyroid hormones were in 'normal' range. But its now known that for women with anti-thyroid antibodies, simply being 'euthyroid' is not enough. If your baby is not getting enough thyroid hormone, things can go catastrophically wrong. Your TSH, the hormone measured to determine thyroid sufficiency, needs to be low in pregnancy. Mine was not (it was probably over the limit now considered the upper end of ideal for pregnancy). So, in retrospect, its logical that I was so cold the last pregnancy. This is utter TMI, but I had the worst case of holding it in as well, if you know what I mean. Like we are talking, 2-3 days. That is also a thyroid insufficiency symptom, thankfully one not at all present in this current pregnancy. Coincidence or the hormone I'm taking?
This time, since I've been on daily thyroid hormone supplements, I've been warm. Hot even. It's blissful. For the first time in years, I actually have warm feet! My BBTs have stayed up, my waking temps are usually 98.2, and during the day, its stays in the 99s. I know this because I randomly check temperatures multiple times a day. But even this has started to falter recently (I start feeling cold, check temps and find they have fallen by a DEGREE again). This is because (my theory) that with advancing pregnancy, my requirements are starting to rise. Its supply and demand really. If demand overcomes supply, then my body reflects it by dropping the body temps. I told my perinatologist about the falling temps. He was like, body temperatures, who cares about that? They mean nothing, don't worry your little amateur head about it. I literally wanted to hit him at that point, all of these guys are so by the book, they are like horses wearing blinders.
I think I have fixed the problem myself though. 2 things can be given to improve thyroid function. The first of course, is thyroid hormone. The second, is selenium. This is required for converting the less active thyroid hormone (which is what we get as the supplement synthyroid) into the super-active version (called T3). When I first started taking synthroid, I think it was just about how much I needed, or maybe a little more. At this point, I wisely stayed away from selenium in case it made me thyrotoxic. But as this pregnancy has progressed, I think my thyroid requirements have started to increase, and I think my body needs more of the very active form., T3. I have oodles of T4 (because I'm supplementing with that and my blood levels are sky high), but it may not be what is really needed, and there is probably a cap on the conversion rate of T4 to T3. So I've started selenium once a day. I first started it on the day I started freezing and my non-waking temperatures were around 98.4. Several hours later, my temps were back up to the 99s, and they have stayed that way. Today, they fell again (the freezing is an instant clue). Its really scary I tell you, because danger signal or not, I associate it with things going wrong. I took my selenium. I've been waiting and the temps are going back up, and I'm feeling hot again. Coincidence or not? Who knows.
I'm frustrated because I have to navigate this scary world by myself, and try to fix all of this amateur style. If I tell a doctor this (first they have to sit down to actually listen to you for 5 minutes and that may be too much to ask), they'll just shrug it away. If they don;t have a textbook answer for you, they will not even speculate and will just wave you away. And I really, really dislike that. Our body tells us a lot of things, and NOTHING is ever random. If something changes with your physiology, there is a reason for it. Sure the body is complex enough that you might never be able to know the mechanism behind it, but sometimes you can make an educated guess. Who knows, you might even be close to the mark!
6w6d u/s
on Thursday, November 11, 2010
I had my ultrasound yesterday morning (preceded by a hysterical 5 minutes in tears when the nurse suggested the doctor might *not* do an ultrasound with that visit. Yeah, I was kinda on the edge, especially yesterday).
Anyway, here is Turbulence! And yes, UCSD has truly crappy u/s machines, Another reason to be waiting till the 12 week mark when I graduate to radiology with their fancier equipment.
The doctor tried measuring the heartbeat, but the machine did not allow it so he 'eyeballed' it to be around 130 bpm, up from 108. She has grown too, and has almost caught up to gestational age (6w6d).
And finally, there is the yolk sac, so utterly clear even on the poor resolution machine. I think any way you went in, with whatever machine, its just too bright to miss, so this is truly different from the last time. What the implications are I cannot guess.
I've been very guarded about this pregnancy, almost refusing to believe that this may be real and just adopting a wait and watch attitude, because everything was ALMOST this good with the last pregnancy. The doctors were just utterly confident that all would be well, nobody could conceive that anything could happen to a pregnancy that started out that strongly.
But this ultrasound has given me some real hope, because of many things, the quick catch up in the growth, the difference in the yolk sac appearance. I'm now guardedly optimistic, which feels nice.
After my loss, I've tried to prepare for the worst case scenarios by never ever discounting that they might come about, but what is the point in that attitude? With my last pregnancy, until they showed beyond a doubt that my baby was dead, I had felt very little fear or apprehension, those 2.5 months preceding that awful moment were really happy. Even if fate kicked me in the teeth, I was really thankful to have had those days.
Now, its very nice to feel some hint of what I felt then, again. Joy should be snatched up wherever you find it, because god knows what will happen tomorrow.
Please keep Mo in your thoughts. She should have been posting her u/s picture too, the unfairness of life is mind boggling.
The doctor tried measuring the heartbeat, but the machine did not allow it so he 'eyeballed' it to be around 130 bpm, up from 108. She has grown too, and has almost caught up to gestational age (6w6d).
And finally, there is the yolk sac, so utterly clear even on the poor resolution machine. I think any way you went in, with whatever machine, its just too bright to miss, so this is truly different from the last time. What the implications are I cannot guess.
I've been very guarded about this pregnancy, almost refusing to believe that this may be real and just adopting a wait and watch attitude, because everything was ALMOST this good with the last pregnancy. The doctors were just utterly confident that all would be well, nobody could conceive that anything could happen to a pregnancy that started out that strongly.
But this ultrasound has given me some real hope, because of many things, the quick catch up in the growth, the difference in the yolk sac appearance. I'm now guardedly optimistic, which feels nice.
After my loss, I've tried to prepare for the worst case scenarios by never ever discounting that they might come about, but what is the point in that attitude? With my last pregnancy, until they showed beyond a doubt that my baby was dead, I had felt very little fear or apprehension, those 2.5 months preceding that awful moment were really happy. Even if fate kicked me in the teeth, I was really thankful to have had those days.
Now, its very nice to feel some hint of what I felt then, again. Joy should be snatched up wherever you find it, because god knows what will happen tomorrow.
Please keep Mo in your thoughts. She should have been posting her u/s picture too, the unfairness of life is mind boggling.
Life is horrible
on Wednesday, November 10, 2010
As you wander in this universe of blogs, populated by women who are have struggled with conception for years, with birth loss mothers, with people who have experienced stillbirth, with women who have had multiple losses, you know, that to some, life can be be bloody utter BITCH.
After many weeks of pregnancy roller coasters, and much hope and prayer from so many people, Mo and Will found out that this pregnancy too, had come to an end at 7 weeks and 3 days. There are no words. Please go over and let them know they are in your thoughts.
After many weeks of pregnancy roller coasters, and much hope and prayer from so many people, Mo and Will found out that this pregnancy too, had come to an end at 7 weeks and 3 days. There are no words. Please go over and let them know they are in your thoughts.
Argh!!!
on Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Just yesterday, I felt my teeth hurt, something that made me go cold. I'm not getting enough calcium, mostly because trying to consume it from food based sources is a PAIN. How much yogurt can you drink in a day anyway? Or orange juice?
So I've been looking, from my last pregnancy, for a good calcium supplement. And because I'm somebody that now reads the labels and fine print on everything, am utterly unsucessful.
Rejected supplements
Tums- the colored ones, have lovely carcinogenic dyes (such as Yellow 5 and Red Lake and all these innoucuous sounding ones), not to mention other crap.
Tums- the white ones have talc and mineral oil!
Citrical-recommended by my idiot OB- has titanium dioxide and a paragraph of stuff that sound distinictly unwholesome while consumed in a pregnancy. Its also supposed to have minute quantities of lead.
Os-Cal- recommended by this idiot website has parabens!
For what parabens are, go here
Rainbow Light has food based calcium sources, which made me want to dance a jig till I realized they throw in other unwanted crap like bioeperene and horse nettles in.
I'm tired and I'm out of options. My prenatal has almost no calcium ( they say because calcium interferes with the absorption of iron, the two are best taken separately) and I'm not having enough from food sources. I need a supplement but everything I find on the market comes with its own variety of crap.
Sigh, sometimes ignorance is bliss. Maybe I should just shut up and consume talc and mineral oil (I draw the line at parabens) or I'm headed for root canals.
So I've been looking, from my last pregnancy, for a good calcium supplement. And because I'm somebody that now reads the labels and fine print on everything, am utterly unsucessful.
Rejected supplements
Tums- the colored ones, have lovely carcinogenic dyes (such as Yellow 5 and Red Lake and all these innoucuous sounding ones), not to mention other crap.
Tums- the white ones have talc and mineral oil!
Citrical-recommended by my idiot OB- has titanium dioxide and a paragraph of stuff that sound distinictly unwholesome while consumed in a pregnancy. Its also supposed to have minute quantities of lead.
Os-Cal- recommended by this idiot website has parabens!
For what parabens are, go here
Rainbow Light has food based calcium sources, which made me want to dance a jig till I realized they throw in other unwanted crap like bioeperene and horse nettles in.
I'm tired and I'm out of options. My prenatal has almost no calcium ( they say because calcium interferes with the absorption of iron, the two are best taken separately) and I'm not having enough from food sources. I need a supplement but everything I find on the market comes with its own variety of crap.
Sigh, sometimes ignorance is bliss. Maybe I should just shut up and consume talc and mineral oil (I draw the line at parabens) or I'm headed for root canals.
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