6w6d U/S

Well, the good news is the baby has clearly grown, and is still alive. Heartbeat was 110. Just on seeing it on the screen, I felt better. The part where everything in  me just sank was when the RE did a CRL- the fetal pole measured 6w2d. I'm 6w6d today, or rather, I'm at the start of the 6th day of the 6th week, since this was around 9:30 am. By that token, it is measuring at least 3 days behind, if not 4.  If I compare this to my 2nd pregnancy, by 6w6d, my baby was measuring 6w5d and the heartbeat was 130.  So its looking crappier than the last time, which looked almost perfect at this point.

Current pregnancy 6w2d,
 apparently measuring 6w1d(really?) by CRL

The good news is  that it visually appears like there has been growth. Its highly likely that the first measurement (of 6w1d at 6w2d) was rubbish given we could barely see anything. In the second ultrasound, the embryo looks a little curved to the right of the yolk sac (do you see it?) and I wonder if that could mess up the CRL too. Impossible to say, but please, throw in your inputs.

 Current pregnancy, 6w6d, 
apparently measuring 6w2d by CRL

I did some googling for delayed growth at similar timepoints. The results are very mixed- I found  a couple of instances where miscarriage occurred within a few weeks, and quite a few instances where things turned out to be just fine. Its really impossible to say, all options remain on the table, with a probably slightly raised risk for a unfavorable outcome within the next few weeks. Apparently, trisomies are supposed to show delayed growths. I've been mostly relaxed (or so I thought) before my first ultrasound and in the gap between this one and the last.  But when I came home and burst into tears, and cried for a good half hour, I realized the stress I'm under. Its insane. Nobody should have to go through this.

I'll be fine by tomorrow and will probably remain comfortably numb (with that tantalizing, beautiful flicker of hope still thrown in) for the most part, till the next terrifying ultrasound rolls around, which should be in the middle of the next week. It will be with my RE again- no graduation to OB yet. After realizing that it was behind, he called me in for round 3, mostly I think to reassure me. This scared me a little though because the nurse had said that if the RE deemed it was a good U/S, I'd be released to the OB at that point.

I know this can go south, in any number of ways. I know this could end well. If any of you have any anecdotal stories to share about being behind at this point ending well, then please, share. I really could use the momentary reassurance.

6w2d U/S

It was most decidedly underwhelming, and not altogether reassuring, but nor was it a cause for alarm either. The gestational sac was visible, in the uterus, immediately and looked to be a decent size and was the prettiest part of the picture. It was really hard to see the fetal pole, but I definitely got glimpses of what could be the fetal pole as he kept moving the wand around, but it kept disappearing a second later. It was difficult to visualize because it was completely tucked into a corner of the gestational sac.

My heart stopped in the first few minutes, where we could not see the fetal pole. After we found it (he had to press down on my uterus to see anything), it was hard to see a heartbeat, I thought I could at times, but what do I know?  My RE said he saw a heartbeat too, but it was faint.  I asked him to do a CRL (difficult as we could barely see the thing) and it measured 6w1d, but the measurements were crude at best. The RE said he could see the yolk sac, but it was hardly the clear round thing of my previous pregnancy. The picture we got was god-awful. I don't have access to a scanner right now, but I took an iphone picture of the ultrasound.
 
I asked him if he thought things looked fine for this stage, and he said yes. He asked me to go back on Monday, which is what I will do.

I marvel at the change in myself. In the first ultrasounds in previous pregnancies (which were 2-3 days later in the 6th week), I saw better and more reassuring images, but I was still unsatisfied that things were not *perfect*, with the CRL lagging behind by like 2 days or something like that. Now, I just listened to the doctor, with a fetal pole I could barely see and a heartbeat that looked barely apparent, and left things to rest. I think the best way to describe me now is 'impassive'. The fate of this little one remains utterly unpredictable, and shrouded in fog, but que sera sera. I can get through this weekend, run around town with my cousin and have fun. That is the bottom line right now.  When I go back on Monday I have 2 people (my cousin and my friend) coming with me, can't ask for more.

I also spoke to my boss and told him I want to stop working by the middle of August. That conversation went surprisingly well. PIs (Primary Investigators, the nomenclature for professor at the head of a research lab in academia) can be unpredictable creatures, and there was a strong possibility that he would make life difficult for me after. But, so far, so good.   

8w6d ultrasound: no heartbeat

Its pretty much my biggest nightmare come to life. We found at this ultrasound (8w6d) that though the baby had grown (4 days worth of growth in 5 days), that the heartbeat had inexplicably just stopped. It probably happened yesterday. I will go for an ultrasound to radiology to confirm, but a no hearbeat is pretty conclusive.

Given the pattern, its probably what happened with my first pregnancy too, and probably around the same timeframe as well. What this means I do not know. When we do the chromosomal analysis again, think there is a fair bet that this one will come back with a 'normal' karyotype too.

I'll have to switch donors for my next try, because everything is screaming genetics at this point.  Its a possibility ( though definitely not confrmable) that me and the donor are genetically incompatible in some bizarre way.

I'm dealing with this as well as one can in the the circumstances- lots of crying involved, but you realize how tough you are when you realize you are already planning the next round in your head, and that you are willing to be knocked down again and again in the hope that one day you produce one healthy child.

Either my dad will fly down here or I go to India to be with my family for the D&C. We can do this if they can analyze products of conception there by karyotype as well.

I'm utterly thankful for my parents now- they are here for me, no questions asked and can take care of me better than anybody else can.

Not sure what else there is to be thankful for though.

8w1d u/s

The ultrasound was yesterday; its the first one that's left me unequivocally happy, with no doubts or worries whatsoever. She is exactly on time (8 weeks 1 day), and the heartbeat was 'eyeballed' to be at 150. I had a 2 minute crying jag after I saw her, it was just so perfect. In this picture, it almost looks like she has a neck, but that can't be right, its too early!


With my last pregnancy, the last ultrasound  where I saw my baby alive was at was at 7w4d, and the baby was 4 days behind and judging by the growth between ultrasounds, was growing at just around 0.7 mm per day (1 mm per day is normal). So, by the same milestones, I can finally say that this pregnancy is looking better than the last, with this one growing at about 1.1 mm/day, judging by the difference between the 2 ultrasounds.

I'm now starting to believe that this *might* actually be. My due date is July 1st, almost a year (to the day), after my D&C. Somebody who has been dealt as painful a blow as a pregnancy loss will be forever wary of fate pulling another unbelievably nasty trick, but that wariness aside, I'm hopeful and optimistic now.

I am also feeling a bit like Goldilocks, I'm either metaphorically too hot or cold, never just right. I complained I had no cramping right? Well tonight, I'm cramping so hard its scaring me a little.  This baby-building business is joyful, but boy, do you EVER get to relax?

6w6d u/s

I had my ultrasound yesterday morning (preceded by a hysterical 5 minutes in tears when the nurse suggested the doctor might *not* do an ultrasound with that visit. Yeah, I was kinda on the edge, especially yesterday).

Anyway, here is Turbulence! And yes, UCSD has truly crappy u/s machines, Another reason to be waiting till the 12 week mark when I graduate to radiology with their fancier equipment.

The doctor tried measuring the heartbeat, but the machine did not allow it so he 'eyeballed' it to be around 130 bpm, up from 108. She has grown too, and has almost caught up to gestational age (6w6d).

And finally, there is the yolk sac, so utterly clear even on the poor resolution machine. I think any way you went in, with whatever machine, its just too bright to miss, so this is truly different from the last time. What the implications are I cannot guess.

I've been very guarded about this pregnancy, almost refusing to believe that this may be real and just adopting a wait and watch attitude, because everything was ALMOST this good with the last pregnancy. The doctors were just utterly confident that all would be well, nobody could conceive that anything could happen to a pregnancy that started out that strongly.

But this ultrasound has given me some real hope, because of many things, the quick catch up in the growth, the difference in the yolk sac appearance.  I'm now guardedly optimistic, which feels nice.

After my loss, I've tried to prepare for the worst case scenarios by never ever discounting that they might come about, but what is the point in that attitude? With my last pregnancy, until they showed beyond a doubt that my baby was dead, I had felt very little fear or apprehension, those 2.5 months preceding that awful moment were really happy. Even if fate kicked me in the teeth, I was really thankful to have had those days.

Now, its very nice to feel some hint of what I felt then, again. Joy should be snatched up wherever you find it, because god knows what will happen tomorrow.

Please keep Mo in your thoughts. She should have been posting her u/s picture too, the unfairness of life is mind boggling.

She is in there!

 Turbulence 6w4d

Don't know why, but I'm convinced Turbulence is a girl.  Anyway, I went in for a hideously overpriced u/s with my RE this morning, and yes there is a sac, yes there is a little embryo in there, with a heartbeat of 108 bpm!! That is in an acceptable range for this gestational age (6w4d) according to this website


There is also an extremely clear yolk sac. I was shocked as to how clear it was, its definitely not what I remembered from my last ultrasound!

Bighead,my poor angel baby at 6 weeks and 5 days

This was my poor little bighead at around the same point (6w5d). There is a yolk sac (probably on the right of the embryo) but its really indistinct.

I don't know why my last pregnancy failed. I've tried to find the answer in tests, in ultrasound pictures, in crown rump length measures- no luck whatsoever, other than the maybe-maybe not findings with the thyroid.


But now, I'm struck my the difference in the yolk sacs between the first and second times. Did my first baby have a not so great yolk sac? The doctors never commented, but I think they just give all of this the most cursory of attention. I also don't know if its because of different ultrasound machines used (my RE's office, sadly has the better ones). Seems doubtful though, the difference between the two pictures is stark. If any ultrasound wizards are lurking, please speak up.

The RE who did this ultrasound pronounced it 'textbook perfect' for this timepoint. I really don't know what to think. The thing that makes me the most nervous is Turbulence is kind of small, probably 2-3 days behind in CRL measurements. And then there is the yolk sac. The doc did not say it was abnormally large, she said it was a nice looking one. I've been here before. The kind of nice looking ultrasounds at early time points, people patting you on your head and telling you everything looks great.  I cannot trust anything, or have faith now. I need to see the proof of a baby past 3 months. That is what it is going to take, and its going to be a long few weeks ahead.


Next u/s is on Wednesday morning. Followed by 9 days of staying home.

But for now, all is well.