10 DPO

Well, I have zero discipline.  But thankfully, in some areas, I manage to think ahead (In that I stockpiled on internet cheapies), and right now, I think the gods are smiling down on me. I can only fervently hope that they remain so benevolent for the next 9 months, and beyond.

I've been testing since 8 DPO. Yesterday (9 DPO), It still looked like a BFN, but if you stared at it for 3 minutes without blinking and held it an angle, you could see the faintest smudge of a shadow where the second line should be. That shadow which very well may have been a figment of my imagination kept me sane through yesterday. I'm glad I have a place to say this out loud without people thinking I'm nuts. Or, rather, I hope you won't.

Today, I had vowed to not test till evening, but my resolution cracked early, at around 7 am. Still a tantalizing hint of a shadow. At 2 pm today, I got that first, clear, yet super faint second line---can you see it? The test on top is actually supposed to be a more sensitive brand sold by earlypregnancytests.com , with a sensitivity of 10 mIU/ml, while the one at the bottom is thier regular one with a lower sensitivity of 20 mIU/ml, and their regular brand is actually better, IMO.

So right now, at this moment, I am pregnant. Today, I'm afraid of a chemical pregnancy. A week from now, if things continue to go well, I'll be afraid of an empty sac at at 6.5 weeks. Or twins. Twins mean I can't go back to India, because I can't chance a high risk pregnancy, with all the stuff that can go wrong there. After that, I'll be afraid of the heartbeat stopping before embryogenesis is complete. Then, comes the fear of improper development and a 5 month termination. Then, come all the multitude of the2nd and 3rd trimester fears.After birth, I'm sure there is a brand new set you inherit.

The innocence is gone. But thankfully,despite the fear, I still have the ability to truly enjoy this moment. This is a beautiful day, no matter what tomorrow brings. And I hope (and feel optimistic even) that it will bring good things. I'm so grateful that I've been given this chance.

Btw...I hope this post goes some way towards exploding the myth of FMU (first morning urine) being the most optimal to test in. I had a BFN in my FMU. But this early, beta production (and excretion in the urine) is mainly a function of time. The test at 10 pm is more likely to be darker than the test at 2 pm , which is more likely to have more beta HCG thnt the FMU collected when you just wake up

Rollercoasters

I wish this process did not have the nasty habit of taking you up to the stratosphere one minute and smashing you down to the ground the next- its been a super eventful 2 days, in other words.

Day 10 was when I got my BFP the last time. So I start testing, and past 10 in the morning, I start getting the faintest of tantalizing smudges on my test. I'm excited, but am waiting for a clear line to be sure. I wake up early this morning, expect the 'concentrated' first morning urine to give me a clear test- and nada. I freak out, but pee again 5 minutes later, and test this- super faint but distinct line! Holy schmoley I'm pregnant! Then comes the afternoon where I have my consult with my perinatologist. I request a urine test, because as you know, we all have a sick love affair with peeing into cups.  The nurse comes in after my consult is done and tells me indignantly (like I'm a crazy person who likes to invent fake pregnancies) that the urine test was negative (!!!) I leave in a daze, go to work, shut it all out for a few hours. I break down on the way home though- I'm so utterly sick of crying while driving; I've done it far too many times this year.


I get back home- take another of my cheap internet sticks- get a faint, but clear line again. By this time, I'm utterly sick of ambiguous results, so I run to the drugstore and spent 40 bucks on TWO brands of pregnancy tests (Clearblue digital and First Response)- see results!! I AM knocked up, as of now. I guess OTC tests are more sensitive than the machines the department of reproductive medicine at UCSD has-but I'm so mad at them for putting me through this nonetheless.


I'm frankly nervous about the beta increases, mostly because I've been spoilt from the last time- my first baby just LIT up the tests, and the early doubling increases were clear enough to catch even with the cheap sticks, even in a timeframe of 12 hours (!!) He was above the 95th percentile of the betabase results for any given day that we tested blood betas;Based on the earliest results (especially the increases) this little one is not like that, but I guess a detectable beta by day 10 is nothing to scoff at. I'll be honest- scary thoughts like chemical- or worse, ectopic are going through my head. I need to get the blood tests done- and the blood draws begin. More about what my perinatologist said in another post.

This should have been an utterly happy day for me- and I am kind of there now, but I'm pretty darned shaken.