I'm sure some of you reading are wondering why I freak out when there seems to be no cause to freak out- my pregnancy so far looks pretty routine, with everything checking out, even the little lag in growth seems like no cause for alarm at this point.
I've seen my way through 2 textbook 'perfect' pregnancies so far. Great HCG rises, great progesterone. They say, after you see a heartbeat, your chances of success are 95 %. I had perfect ultrasounds at the 6-7 week point for both pregnancies, with strong heartbeats in both. In the first pregnancy, by the end of the 7th week the baby was almost 6 days behind, and that was a red flag, but nobody was concerned, because hey, the bad stuff happens to other people. My second pregnancy was perfect almost to the end of the 9th week. With a predicted 95 % chance for sucess in both cases, I miscarried twice.
I'm just trying to explain why I cannot relax, or trust the excellent odds I've been given. Augusta bought up a terrific point, that we just keep expecting the past to repeat itself, its human nature. But I also remind myself that each pregnancy is like a snowflake- truely unique. The problems that ended the first pregnancy were nothing like what ended my second pregnancy, and if I can be reasonably certain of anything, it is that this pregnancy is likely to be nothing like my first two. That is not any sort of guarentee that it will continue, only that it is likely different.
About how I'm feeling- OMG, do I have a baby bump now. There is no weight or mass gain, its just that internally, everything is redistributed and my belly is significantly distended. It probably is more apparent because I am super petite. I think that old wives tale is true- you do show faster in subsequent pregnancies. Overall, I've lost a couple of pounds- I'm not even eating that much, just having small things throughout the day. I've also been feeling vaguely ill the past couple of days, its *almost* a queasy feeling, further limiting quantity of food consumed. I've also been feeling twingy & crampy in the uterus region today, which is new for this pregnancy.
Mildly twingy & crampy is ok, but around the time that my second pregnancy ended (on the day the heartbeat stopped), I had seriously strong, painful cramps that night. I was out with friends, we were playing boardgames, I remember this rush of adrenalin around the time the cramps began, my heart was almost trying to beat its way out of my chest, I was so very unsettled and did not know why. The timing of that with the stoppage of the heartbeat was an interesting coincidence, sometimes, you have to wonder whether your body registers it at a subconscious level. For now, there is none of that. Just mild twinges. Yay. One day at a time.
I wrote this post for one reason--Lots of new pregnancies everywhere, I see the excitement caused by good news at the early ultrasounds, the optimism, the hope. And that is what the people who come reading are comfortable with, I don't think most people know how to react to the darker, more pessimistic tone of the posts I'm putting out-- its like- why is she so afraid? I hope this one goes towards explaining that.
But with the fear, intermingled in that, is beautiful, amazing hope. Right now she is kept tethered to my subconscious, with my conscious taking up a wait-and-see approach, but she is still there.
I've seen my way through 2 textbook 'perfect' pregnancies so far. Great HCG rises, great progesterone. They say, after you see a heartbeat, your chances of success are 95 %. I had perfect ultrasounds at the 6-7 week point for both pregnancies, with strong heartbeats in both. In the first pregnancy, by the end of the 7th week the baby was almost 6 days behind, and that was a red flag, but nobody was concerned, because hey, the bad stuff happens to other people. My second pregnancy was perfect almost to the end of the 9th week. With a predicted 95 % chance for sucess in both cases, I miscarried twice.
I'm just trying to explain why I cannot relax, or trust the excellent odds I've been given. Augusta bought up a terrific point, that we just keep expecting the past to repeat itself, its human nature. But I also remind myself that each pregnancy is like a snowflake- truely unique. The problems that ended the first pregnancy were nothing like what ended my second pregnancy, and if I can be reasonably certain of anything, it is that this pregnancy is likely to be nothing like my first two. That is not any sort of guarentee that it will continue, only that it is likely different.
About how I'm feeling- OMG, do I have a baby bump now. There is no weight or mass gain, its just that internally, everything is redistributed and my belly is significantly distended. It probably is more apparent because I am super petite. I think that old wives tale is true- you do show faster in subsequent pregnancies. Overall, I've lost a couple of pounds- I'm not even eating that much, just having small things throughout the day. I've also been feeling vaguely ill the past couple of days, its *almost* a queasy feeling, further limiting quantity of food consumed. I've also been feeling twingy & crampy in the uterus region today, which is new for this pregnancy.
Mildly twingy & crampy is ok, but around the time that my second pregnancy ended (on the day the heartbeat stopped), I had seriously strong, painful cramps that night. I was out with friends, we were playing boardgames, I remember this rush of adrenalin around the time the cramps began, my heart was almost trying to beat its way out of my chest, I was so very unsettled and did not know why. The timing of that with the stoppage of the heartbeat was an interesting coincidence, sometimes, you have to wonder whether your body registers it at a subconscious level. For now, there is none of that. Just mild twinges. Yay. One day at a time.
I wrote this post for one reason--Lots of new pregnancies everywhere, I see the excitement caused by good news at the early ultrasounds, the optimism, the hope. And that is what the people who come reading are comfortable with, I don't think most people know how to react to the darker, more pessimistic tone of the posts I'm putting out-- its like- why is she so afraid? I hope this one goes towards explaining that.
But with the fear, intermingled in that, is beautiful, amazing hope. Right now she is kept tethered to my subconscious, with my conscious taking up a wait-and-see approach, but she is still there.
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