Its very easy to get sucked into the whirlpool of TTC anxiety/anticipation, even when you are far away from the actual event. God knows, the months between miscarriage 1 and TTC 2 went in a flurry of mental hand-wringing and hoping that stuff would be ok, and wishing time would just move faster, while not really paying attention to life. Well, things turned out to be decided *not* ok, but something amazing happened- I learned to switch off during the waiting period. There were an eye-popping 16 months between miscarriage 2 and TTC 3 (which ended in a BFN). And I was mostly ok and relaxed for all of of it, which constituted a minor miracle. Now, there is going to be atleast four more months between TTC 3 and TTC 4 (tentatively planned for July), and I'm fine. I feel ok even when I anticipate delays past July- atleast in the getting pregnant bit. I totally feel like I need to write somebody in the universe a big thank you note for my newfound Zen.
I've been doing a lot of thinking of how I am on the relationship front. Its funny how emotionally detached, independent and mostly uninterested in the available fare I am and I can't figure out how I got this way. I became friends with this girl recently, and she is totally the anti-me. She has had a really rough time of it-- her mom died and the guy she had been seeing for 2 years and was totally in love with decides that he has fallen out of love with her & she is skirting depression. It amazes me how all her happiness, everything that is good in her life hinges on this guy and well, he is not delivering. I gave her the spiel on what the stages of grief are and I asked- have you accepted that its over with this guy (Its been a month)? She said no. She also confessed she was afraid that she might be pregnant, but did not want to take a test to find out. The reason I'm accounting all of this is...its hard for me to get over how different people inhabiting this planet are, and how much better off one would be if one were not at the extreme end of an emotional spectrum.
I'd be a *lot* better off if I was a little bit more emotionally needy like this girl and she'd do much better if she had some of my detachment and independence. Plus she could do with getting her head out of the sand for a bit- she was contemplating starting anti-depressants while pregnant, she should atleast clarify that question first, and get started on pre-natal nutrition if she is- she confessed she had lost a ton of weight because she had simply lost interest in food. Big ARGH. I may have overstepped many boundaries when I told her like 5 times that she had to find out one way or the other, STAT. I hope she tests.
On the TTC prep front, a source of frustration is my vitamin D levels. Over 2 months ago, my D3 levels were 86 which made me yelp in horror and drop my dosage by more than half. I figured this should bring it down to the 40s, which is where I want them to be. I tested last week- its gone from 86 to 79, which makes absolutely no sense. I have a feeling the levels may be so high that its maxing out the test and both reported values are inaccurate - that or there is some crazy biology at work. Anyway, I'm completely off the D now and the next time, my new wonderfully cooperative and available endocrinogist (I've added a review to my awesome doctors list) has agreed to send my blood off to an alternate lab for the next round.
So life is rolling along, and though on paper, my life does not look that great (single, maybe reproductively- challenged, staring at a possibly very difficult TTCing process as a single mom and I can't even tell which country I'll be in in 6 months), I'm not feeling any of the pain. I'm thankful.
I've been doing a lot of thinking of how I am on the relationship front. Its funny how emotionally detached, independent and mostly uninterested in the available fare I am and I can't figure out how I got this way. I became friends with this girl recently, and she is totally the anti-me. She has had a really rough time of it-- her mom died and the guy she had been seeing for 2 years and was totally in love with decides that he has fallen out of love with her & she is skirting depression. It amazes me how all her happiness, everything that is good in her life hinges on this guy and well, he is not delivering. I gave her the spiel on what the stages of grief are and I asked- have you accepted that its over with this guy (Its been a month)? She said no. She also confessed she was afraid that she might be pregnant, but did not want to take a test to find out. The reason I'm accounting all of this is...its hard for me to get over how different people inhabiting this planet are, and how much better off one would be if one were not at the extreme end of an emotional spectrum.
I'd be a *lot* better off if I was a little bit more emotionally needy like this girl and she'd do much better if she had some of my detachment and independence. Plus she could do with getting her head out of the sand for a bit- she was contemplating starting anti-depressants while pregnant, she should atleast clarify that question first, and get started on pre-natal nutrition if she is- she confessed she had lost a ton of weight because she had simply lost interest in food. Big ARGH. I may have overstepped many boundaries when I told her like 5 times that she had to find out one way or the other, STAT. I hope she tests.
On the TTC prep front, a source of frustration is my vitamin D levels. Over 2 months ago, my D3 levels were 86 which made me yelp in horror and drop my dosage by more than half. I figured this should bring it down to the 40s, which is where I want them to be. I tested last week- its gone from 86 to 79, which makes absolutely no sense. I have a feeling the levels may be so high that its maxing out the test and both reported values are inaccurate - that or there is some crazy biology at work. Anyway, I'm completely off the D now and the next time, my new wonderfully cooperative and available endocrinogist (I've added a review to my awesome doctors list) has agreed to send my blood off to an alternate lab for the next round.
So life is rolling along, and though on paper, my life does not look that great (single, maybe reproductively- challenged, staring at a possibly very difficult TTCing process as a single mom and I can't even tell which country I'll be in in 6 months), I'm not feeling any of the pain. I'm thankful.
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